Photo: woods wheatcroft photography

What No One Told You about Relationship Success

Know this: there is nothing wrong with you. It is not your fault that the concept of “relationship success” seems like empty words. The problem is, you were never modeled or taught critical emotional intelligence skills that foster connection. When given these skills, you will thrive. What you are missing is a map of how to do foster connections.

Creating a successful relationship can be simple and even easy. It comes down to moving through your stress and tension, getting to vulnerability, and connecting. That’s the formula that no one ever taught us. Because of that, we often need guidance in developing these three key skills.

You can do it. We see couples turning around their failed relationship using this process. We see men in our free groups and trainings turning around their lives with this Emotional Algorithm, and its three ROC stages:

  1. Relax Release the effects of the physiology of the stress and its resulting tension, resistance, fear, trauma, collapse, rigidity, and frozenness. The freeing will unlock the hold you created, allowing you to surrender, setting you up for: sensing, feeling, focusing on your experience, relaxing, and being in the zone. This new emotional frame allows for emotional You change from reacting to responding.
  2. Open Being vulnerable is the key to being receptive, empathetic, honest, and available. Establish a new setup for new behaviors. When you initiate new patterns, empathy is natural.
  3. Connect Once open, you can choose to reach out, receive, allow, collaborate, communicate, engage, and risk connecting with others. From a base of inner connection, you reach out to others. You create what the scientists who study Attachment Theory call secure bonds.

ROC your world

This order is the natural progression of change. You can enter the algorithm at any point to create movement. For example, you go to connect to someone, and it’s not happening. If you open up to the person, feel your resistance, then release it, you will connect.

Each component is backed by research and years of developing methods to effectively achieve its benefits. Collectively, you have an exponential benefit with the Emotional Algorithm to achieving inner personal and professional relationships success.

This process of experiencing and utilizing your emotions to enrich your life is instinctual. Your ancestor processed these abilities. A baby comes into the world with the need to use them. Because this algorithm is hardwired into our operating system, we have the drive to remove what prevents its functioning. Once activated, we relax, and life gets easier. Also, because it’s buried in others too, when you are functioning from this place, others will naturally relax, open, and connect. You do it, and others will follow.

Not having secure attachments to others will produce stress and even trauma. If that stress or trauma is not completed and released, you can get stuck. Then your disconnection needs to unwind by starting at Release.

The Sandpoint Men’s Group spent the last twelve years honing this algorithm. We discovered how to teach these concepts in a fun way. No one can learn a skill if it was never even demonstrated, let alone taught. The first weekend in May we are teaching a small group of men how to fill in the gaps in their deep emotional intelligence and connecting skills. The entire weekend will be done in a setting of safety and confidentiality. Contact me for more information, or visit

Owen Marcus, MA Certified Advanced Rolfer & author,, 37 yrs experience – call if you have questions: 265.8440.

PHoto: MichaelGaida / Pixabay

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